Here is a story for the history books. A tale of love, heart break, and betrayal.
I first met... let’s call her D, short for destructive. Ok, I first met D in January of '08. I worked across the hall from her job in the mall and that year, my company bought her company. Nevertheless, we were soon to become co-workers. And that's what we were with one small glitch; she was to be my manager which didn't pose a problem at the time.
Work continued as always, boring and unchanging. How we had worked across the hall from each other and never met astonished me. I would have to get out more. She was undeniably amazing. Funny, silly, and she liked to dance! Hello! Jackpot! But it was too easy. I realize this now of course, but at the time I was caught in a good fun summer.
Yet I'm getting ahead of myself. Around Feb/Mar my friends were telling me she liked me. Me! Me? Why me? There is nothing special about me, or so I thought. So I started to notice her small hints and her long glances and half grins. STOP!
It was at this very moment I should've stopped everything that was going on. It was in this moment I should not have continued. This story should be over. But I did continue. And this story is not over.
We talked, we text, we even hung out. But only hung out. I was interested but I also liked someone else so I wasn't going to be pursued if I would only hurt her in the end. I kept in friendly. I do not know why I gave up with the other person, but I did and I gave her all my attention. It was Apr 24; I'll never forget, the day before my birthday, that I told her I liked her as more than a friend.
So we started hanging out even more.
I can't say we were ever together bcuz essentially we weren't [tell me how fucked up love is nowadays]. We kissed and hung out all the time. Work, clubs, red lights, we couldn't get away from each other. I was enjoying myself and falling harder than I should've been, but it was hard not to fall for her. She is a very good actress and she knew all the right lines.
My happy little world fell apart…
…with a 9 o'clock phone call from my best friend... we'll call her E, short for envious. Once a year for a month I stayed at E's house bcuz we were friends. This year, E had had a party the night before, where D and I had gotten way personal in front of other co-workers. Not that anyone would ever say anything. We were a family, in a sense. Needless to say, E's father [whom was also a co-worker] had spoken to another manager who went to the party and the manager was suspicious of us [Me & D]. I asked E not to tell D bcuz I knew what was going to happen. She was going to cut me off of my addiction and it wasn't fair. I wasn't ready. I felt myself starting to hyperventilate. I felt my eyes sting with tears. What could I do? What should I do? How would I spin it and keep the inevitable from evitable happening?
Why?
E did in fact tell D before I could think of anything to say. And D did what I had expected her to do. She cut off my supply as fast as she had started me on it. My heart didn't beat right and my breath didn't feel comfortable in my chest. It felt like my heart was in control and not my mind. My mind had locked itself away to protect it from the damage it had just endured. My heart was not as rational. It went on strike and never let go of the addiction.
A war within myself, how fun.
It wasn't only the fact that I had felt doubly betrayed by them [this was not the first time I asked E not to tell D something and she went ahead and did it anyways] All of this happened in May, Just for time sake. I had fallen in love, been betrayed and had my heart broken all in 30 days. Seems impossible right, I wish it was. I wish I could stop typing and say April Fools! But I cannot. Bcuz it is not what happened.
I struggled and had many breakdowns.
I begged her to see my side that it could work. I begged her to recant, take it back. I begged. E told me to let it go. That there were other women out there. Sketchy thought about E. I threw it away. There was no way she could treat me like that I'm her best friend. She knows what's best. She knows what I need. I trust her. Or so I told myself.
One Year Later.
Through all the bickering and arguing.
We had made it. I remained friends with D while E dropped off the face of my earth. D and I were good. We were becoming good friends, able to laugh and not take each others comments too seriously as had been the issue before. Also, with D came friends. We'll call them L, M, N, O, & P. bcuz this is a very close knit group of friends. Everything was fine. There were good times all around. I had even begun to start seeing another girl.
This is where broken becomes shattered.
Unknown sources left slip a situation that I had never heard before and since hearing it I will never be the same. E had kissed D. While D and I were "Not together". Not only had they kissed, but D was interested in her and was playing the field. I was the only one playing a fair game. My best friend and the girl, even after a year, I was still very much in love with. I found it hard to keep my knees from giving out. My stomach flipped and turned trying to make an escape. My lungs ached for more air, though I was already breathing too quickly. I cried.
How did I say something?
I had to confront them. There could be no way I kept this to myself like they had. Like... they... had... How had they? How had they looked me in my face for a year, smiled at me, laughed with me, touched me? I felt myself get nauseas. I held my hand to my mouth and focused on steading my breath. I was disgusted with myself for not seeing it sooner. I was disgusted with them.
The calm before the storm.
I went about my day, never really focusing on anything outside this topic for more than 25seconds. I tried to persuade myself to forget about it, but I knew that was a lost cause. Then she came to hang with us. All of us, L, M, N, O, P, D, and I all in one room. Before she had arrived I asked if they knew. Much to my surprise they had. She hadn't kept it a secret. I praised her pride, he had dug herself into a grave and I was carving the tombstone with my tongue. I couldn't take her constant pestering as to why I was ignoring her. I left. I didn't want to cause a scene bcuz I could see this was where it would go. I continued to ignore her. I wanted to hear what E had to say, my so-called best friend. Then I would handle D.
High tide.
I asked if anything had happened btwn them. E was instantaeaously furious. Throwing around words around like, betrayal and I should automatically believe her. Yet my sources were far more advanced for silly games. I couldn't deal with liars. I asked again and her story never changed. It never happened. Ok. Next victim. D. D was just as livid. And also wanted to know who said it. My sources are anonymous. It became a "who told you/did it happen" argument. You can guess which side I was on.
Drowning in knowledge.
I played the game. I told E that D had already admitted it so she should just admit it and stop looking dumb. I told D the same and that I deserved to know.
How can the world still be spinning?
D broke first. My lie was just the push she needed. She caved. Telling me everything. That they had kissed and how very sorry she was. I knew the answer but the truth smacked me hard. It shook my core and burned my heart. Surely the world should stop spinning for... ever. But it didn't. Time pressed on and the "I'm sorry" txt messages kept rolling in. E continued to deny it to me, and even told D to tell me that she [D] was lying and that it never happened. Some best friend huh? D & E F'd me over good.
I had to get that off of my chest.
Signed, Broken.
